Archive for June, 2012

More of chapter 1

Thursday, June 28th, 2012

This is continued from last time.

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“Dammit!” swore Magus. “Who in their right mind puts bars on the exit of a sewer? Are they afraid of the smell escaping! Don’t want it in their nice disgusting river?”

“You vizzard,” said Petrov. “Can’t you just melt zem?”

“Yeah, but that’s not the point. Anyway, stand back. I’m going to hit it with a blob of acid.” Magus began to wave his hands, arcane energy trailing behind them. Then, after looking suitably impressive, he began to chant in a mysterious language. “Ero accommo hospes mihi crede Sturm,” he said. “Non lectus paro igne orum, et si venenum bene.”

A green haze appeared over the bars.

Amor sum mulier pulchra et nesciebam. Modo nostram fortunam.

The bars began to sizzle.

“Peccavi satis cum mundo. Docentes a magica erit kender damnationem.”

Little droplets of molten metal began to ooze off the bars.

“Neque enim fabula Fairy timet?”

And with that last eldritch phrase, the bars dissolved until there was a hole in them big enough to walk through. Magus stepped through, and the rest followed.

“Now what?” said Ærin.

“Well we go get new weapons, obviously.” responded Magus.

“Yes, but they took all of my money.”

“And? Why else do we have Abda with us?”

“I take offence at that!” replied Abda.  “I’m not a thief, I’m a rogue!”

“You pick peoples’ pockets,” said Magus.

“That’s not stealing, that’s a public service. I’m cleaning them! Think of how cluttered they would get if I wasn’t here to help.”

“Well go help someone then!”

They watched as Abda tried to take peoples wallets, but somehow everyone knew when he was coming.

“I’m sorry guys, but somehow they know when I’m coming!” said Abda, nicely recapping. “Maybe everyone in the city is psychic.”

“Or it might be because they can smell you coming from a mile away,” said Ærin.  “Let’s face it. After that trip in the sewers, we stink.”

“Ha! You humans soft,” interjected Petrov. “This is nothing compared to life in old country! Back in Boĭneudalos’, floors were coated with noxious secretions. Just touch them and your legs rot off. When goblins invaded, we didn’t wear armor because nothing was more dangerous than taking clothes off to put armor on!”

“Good for you,” said Magus. “Now if you’ll excuse us, we soft humans are off to go see if we can find some water.”

Suddenly, upon hearing Magus proclaim their search, Ærin burst into laughter. “Water! Clean water! In a city! What are you, some kind of an idiot? You may not be a plot important orphan but you were definitely raised by hillbillies.”

“I was raised by a wizard!” said Magus “He had a tower and everything. It was like… three stories tall!”

“Look around you!” shouted Ærin. “All the houses here are around three stories tall!”

“How does zis even relate to what we were talking about!” interjected Petrov.

“What?” said Ærin. “Oh yes, the water. This is a city. There’s so much dumped in the river you can walk across it. It takes so much time to boil water you’re lucky there’s any for drinking!”

“Look,” said Magus as he walked over to an elderly lady wearing expensive clothes with her face contorted into a permanent grimace. “Everyone here’s clean. There’s got to be bathhouses or something in here. I’ll ask her for directions.”

“Hello,” said Magus. “Me and my companions have found ourselves in dire straits, and would be very appreciative if you help. Can you direct us to the bathhouses?”

“Yes,” said the old lady. “I can.”

Time passed.

“Well?” said Magus, obviously becoming impatient.

“What do you mean ‘well’?” asked the lady. “You said can I, not will I. I know what you meant, but I don’t see any reason to do so.”

“How about in the name of common decency?” said Magus, quickly becoming enraged.

“Of course not,” said the lady. “Decency is common, and thus found in commoners. I’m an objectivist, and we’re rare. Scum like you sit around in the street and wait for someone to help you, whereas we build industries with our bare hands.”

“Really?” said Magus in a sarcastic tone of voice.

“Yes,” said the old woman. “Technically we employ people to build them, but they don’t have a six figure salary, so they don’t count as human. Now, why don’t you get out of my way, and learn not to be cheeky to your betters.”

Magus’s eyes narrowed. “No.” he said, as a ball of eldritch balefire materialized in the palm of his curled hand. “Perhaps you are different from normal people, but you know what: I’m willing to bet you burn the same.”

********

I was worried that I might offend fans of EYEEEEEN Rand’s magnum opus, but than I realized there aren’t any.

FOOLY COOLY! FOOLY COOLY!

Monday, June 25th, 2012

FOOLY COOLY! FOOLY COOLY!

L4D2 FTW!

Ice cream koan of the day

Wednesday, June 20th, 2012

Lives are like boxes of chocolates.

Only rich people can afford a good one.

More of chapter 1

Wednesday, June 6th, 2012

Yep. This continues from where the last one left off.

Magus sat down on his cot to sleep, then jumped back up shouting “Guys, I know how we can escape!”

Everyone else just glared at him and She Who Can Not Be Pronounced said “Look, the joke wasn’t funny when Abda did it, and it isn’t funny now.”

“No, seriously this time! Quick, everyone check under the beds!”

“What, are you afraid of there being monsters under them?”

“Yes, but that’s not important right now! Something I remember reading in the imperial building regulations! There has to be at least one emergency exit in any given room!”

“You read those?”

“I was bored, okay! Anyway, what’s under the beds?”

“Nothing here,” said Petrov.

“There’s a portal to R’lyh under mine but I think it would be best if we leave it shut,” said Abda.

“And there’s an entrance to the sewers under mine!” said… Look, do you have anything more pronounceable I can call you?

“My friends call me Ærin.”

…said Ærin.

“You are not my friend.”

Look, I’m running out of options here. It’s either Ærin or Patsy.

“Ærin it is.”

Magus turned to Ærin and said “Look, can we get going here. There’s not much time until the guards realize what’s going on.”

“What do you mean by that?” responded Ærin. “This is a fantasy setting. The cops are called insecurity guards for a reason. There’s one question during the interview and it’s ‘what is your name’. If you get it wrong, you’re hired.”

“Still best not take risks,” said Petrov.

Magus walked over to the cot, plugged his nose, and jumped into a liquid that if called mud would offend thousands of perfectly innocent swamps. A series of splashes behind him showed that the rest were jumping down as well. However, all was not well. He had three companions, but he had only heard two splashes. Someone was missing. He turned around through the ooze, took stock of his companions and said “Where’s Petrov?”

“Up here manling!”

Magus looked up, fearing whatever celling crawling monster had Petrov in his grip. Instead he saw Petrov clinging to the celling by his beard.

“What… how…,” said Magus, too shocked for words.

“Well what did you zink beard was for! Decoration?”

“Yes…”

“I can’t believe you get shocked over such a little thing,” said Ærin. “If you weren’t a wizard I’d think you were some kind of plot important orphan raised by a bunch of hillbillies out in the sticks.”

“Why can’t I be?” said Magus. “My parents are dead; my foster family is dead; and my foster father died right before giving off a prophetic revelation. It fits the cliché perfectly!”

“Because you’re a wizard! Wizards make prophesies, not fulfill them.”

“Well then maybe it’s time for a change!” Magus walked onward toward the light at the end of the tunnel, filled with hope, and left the sewer for a better or at least less smelly future. Or at least he would if it weren’t for all the bars and things. Again. For some unknown reason there were bars over the place where the pipe drained out in one of the tributaries of the river Ankh.

“Dammit!” swore Magus. “Who in their right mind puts bars on the exit of a sewer? Are they afraid of the smell escaping! Don’t want it in their nice disgusting river?”

********

So, yeah. What do you think?

Prologue part 3

Sunday, June 3rd, 2012

I changed my mind about keeping the final bit secret. Decided to post it. Here you go.

********

After an undetermined amount of time, Travia ventured out of the cupboard. Not because she thought the danger, had gone, but because she smelled burning. Sure enough, when she got out, she could see smoke rising up through the floorboards. Surely enough, when she rushed downstairs, the ground floor of the tower was ablaze. Her master’s dying body laid in the courtyard, with Magus standing over it, eyes full of tears.

“Magus,” said Sinyeĭ. “There’s something I never told you. Your… parents… they were… ”

At this point Sinyeĭ died. Travia glared at Magus, jealous that she didn’t get any last minute plot important revelations. At that point, she decided. She was going to avenge herself against the Empire. And so she did.

********

One more, the painful memories almost brought tears to Travia’s eyes. Almost. She was going to take the officer test soon, and once she became a captain, she would contact the local insurgency and become a mole. It was a perfect plan. After all, she came up with it.

********

“Unless it’s a farm!” shouted the drill sergeant, finishing his rambling and highly incoherent speech. “Now, you are all men! Except for those of you who aren’t! Everyone, to the barracks! You’re heading to the front lines tomorrow.”

Everyone headed to the barracks, except for Travia. She had guard duty that night. Still, she didn’t have to ship out in the morning, due to being held back for officer training, so it didn’t matter.

Hearing a rustling in the bushes behind her, she chuckled. “Well,” she said to the bush in front of her. “Throwing a rock behind me in an attempt to get me to turn my back on you? Come out with your hands up.”

When the fireball hit her in the back she realized there is such a thing as being too genre savvy.

More Prologue!

Friday, June 1st, 2012

Yup. I decided to post a second piece of the prologue. Still going to keep the final bit secret.. Also, to those who have commented, thank you for your advice and support.

********

After breakfast, Travia had gone to talk to their master, while Magus went out to pick up supplies. Pausing before Sinyeĭ’s door, she had shuddered, remembering the last time she had interrupted him without due cause. He had been in the middle of a summoning, and the interruption had set free a demon that destroyed half the tower before they managed to bring it down. There were no sounds from inside the room, and no sigils chalked on the door, but it still paid to be cautious. Carelessness of that sort was what created the Abyssal Plains. The world would not be able to handle two disasters of that magnitude. Still, she had news about the Threefold Seal, and Sinyeĭ would probably want to know right away.

“Master?” said Travia as she slowly pushed open the door. “Are you there? The divining went as planned.”

At this point she noticed the complete lack of her master. Also, she heard the sounds of people being stabbed to death outside. Never a good sign, that.

Looking out the window, she saw Sinyeĭ fighting off what appeared to be the entire imperial army. Wielding warhammer in one hand and staff in the other, the greybearded dwarf was a fearsome sight. Regrettably, the enemy did not seem to agree, rushing on him in a black armored wave. Although he fought well, the dwarf was soon to be overwhelmed, as he was the only pocket of resistance in sight.

“Dammit,” said Travia, her thoughts swinging over to Magus. “The one time I need that idiot and he’s gone. He always was better than me at combat magic.”

At this point, she decided discretion was the better part of valor. In English, that means she went and hid in the broom cupboard.

********